Cranky Old Guy #1:  What did you do to your glasses?!
Cranky Old Guy #2:  I stepped on them.
Cranky Old Guy #1:  [a thinkify’ing pause] You’re not supposed to do that!

One of my favorite newsweeklies, The Week, has a weekly competition where they solicit various entertaining submissions on goofy name ideas or lists.

A few weeks ago, highlighting the crazy case of some Australian kids Facebook-status’ing that they’d fallen into a well or something like that, they asked for some other ideas of truly stupid Facebook updates.

Well, I submitted a handful… but clearly the editor of this contest lacks good taste, ‘cause she didn’t pick any of mine :(.  So, for your edification, I’ve included them below

—-
1) “OMG, I can’t believe my stupid teacher is reading my Facebook feed!”
2) “Honey, I think I might be pregnant. Is it yours?!”
3) “Having sex. BRB in a minute.”
4) “Honey, could you please get the remote for me? I’m in the bedroom.”
5) “OMG, DID I JUST POST THAT? THOUGHT IT WAS SEARCH BOX! HELP!”
6)  “My darling Jennifer, will you marry me?”
7) “How do I post a status update?”
8) “Unsubscribe!”
9) “I am Mobutu Rumppole, a Nigerian Prince…”
10) “Just got spider bite. Fingers swelling pretty bad, hardto type, any ideas on what I sh”

Officemate:  So I got everything all set for the event.  Computers, powerstrips, food.  Only thing I forgot was chairs! [smacking forehead]
Me:  Why don’t you use these instead? [pointing to one of the inflatable balls we have in our office for sitting on]
Officemate: [looking intrigued, yet uncertain]  Hmm!  How do I get balls?!
Me:  [incredulous pause, then uncontrolled laughter]

Luckily my officemates have a good sense of humor

My colleague Sha-Mayn noted that today is Dr. Seuss’ birthday.  I originally penned the short poem below to post as a facebook comment, but I thought I’d share it with you all instead.   With deep apologies but much love to Dr. Seuss…

—-

I hadn’t known this fact before
I miss Dr. Seuss now even more
I read and re-read all his books
‘til my parents gave me funny looks!

“Green Eggs and Ham” still rocks today.
I wish for more like that, I say!

In a hat, on a moat, with a cat, on a boat,
In a car, on a plane, with a star, on a plane!

I would not could not write like Seuss.
So now I’ll stop the poetic abuse.

[Video below is of two girls lipsync’ing to Moxy Früvous’ awesome a cappella take on “Green Eggs and Ham”]

Today we have a guest post!  Hopefully a nice respite from all the political tensions.

The note below was written by Mark Pilloff for distribution on our company’s “for sale” (classifieds) list.  I’ve reproduced it below in its entirety with, of course, Mark’s permission.  Enjoy!

*  *  *

Free: 100 yards Longs brand Waxed Mint Dental Tape, almost new

Recently my dentist suggested to me that dental tape, thanks to its larger cleaning area, was more effective than ordinary dental floss.  So a few weeks ago, when my previous container of floss ran out, I went to Longs to bring my routine of dental hygiene out of the stone age and incorporate the modern marvel of dental tape.  (Mike Nichols said in a recent interview that if he were making “The Graduate” today, he would update the iconic line to, “I just want to say two words to you.  Just two words.  Dental tape.”  True story.)

Have you bought dental floss / tape lately?  So many choices!  Dozens and dozens of them.  That’s what’s so great about this offer: besides being absolutely free, you have just one choice.  One terrible (but free!) choice.  The same terrible choice that I already made when I stared at the shelves at Longs, thought to myself, “What difference does it make?”, and reached for the most cost effective dental tape option available: 100 yards of Longs brand Waxed Mint Dental Tape.

What I am offering to all of you, absolutely free and with no strings attached, is one almost new container of unquestionably the worst dental floss/tape I’ve ever used.  This dental tape is thick like packing twine, the sort you’d use to bundle up a bale of old newspapers before dropping them off on the curb to be recycled.  To get it to slip between your teeth you’ll have to wiggle it back and forth ten times or more and pull hard enough to cut off the circulation in your fingers.  Each time it finally grinds its way into the slot between your teeth, dropping into place with a stinging snap, you’ll yell to anyone around, or maybe just to your reflection in the mirror, “I hate this @#$% floss.  This is the worst floss ever.  I never should have bought it.”  (Actually, since you’ll be getting this floss complete free of charge, you’ll merely yell, “I hate this @#$% floss.  This is the worst floss ever.”)

I recently traveled to Brazil and Mexico for work.  That’s damn cool, I admit.  I’m lucky to have that opportunity, grateful to meet so many wonderful people on my journeys and see so many awesome sights.

But, as with many things in life, there’s also a downside.  In this case, I am owed thousands of dollars in hotel, airfare, meal charges, etc., so—of course—I need to file an expense report.  And doing that in three different currencies is no fun, no fun at all.

Procrastinating this effort even further, I just wrote up a blog entry on my company’s internal blog system, but then I realized… heck, maybe others could benefit from my tips.  So without further ado, here they are

• Sweat the small stuff.  “Oh, it’s just a $4 coffee and energy bar!” er, it all adds up, trust me!  Keep track of this.  Along these lines, don’t forget to take into account (and expense) ATM surcharges, reasonable tips (which may not show up on your receipt), etc.
   
  Read the full entry...

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  - Blathered by Adam on Saturday, October 11, 2008 at 19:49 Permalink
  - Filed under business and consumers • grab bag • tips
  - Commented on by no one yet. Bummer. Check out the full entry page to leave a comment or trackback!

Earlier this week I spent about 45 seconds and got $134 for my effort. 

It went something like this:

1. Phone rang.  Didn’t recognize number, and was going to let it go to voicemail, but for some reason I answered it.
2. “Hi, may I speak with Adam?” [oh no… not a telemarketer!  I braced myself.]
3. “This is Angela from [dental group], and I wanted to let you know it’s time for your teeth cleaning…”
4. I explained that I had moved and was getting my teeth cleaned by another dentist.
5. “Oh!  Well, there’s a $134 credit on your account.  Would you like me to send it to you?”
6. Three days later, I found a check for $134 in my mailbox.

Why am I sharing this story with you?  Well, you see, this got me to thinking.  Maybe there are other people who have changed dentists or banks or optometrists, that sort of thing.  And maybe they’re owed money, too.

Perhaps it’s worth checking for a check, eh?

- A public service message from your local BLADAM

Today’s entry is short and wonderful.  Behold, in the video below, Matt Harding… “dancing” around the world, one city at a time.  At the 54 second mark, watch the video really come alive when he delights countless locales who join in the dancing… and, i guarantee, charms all of you watching, too .

For more information, see www.wherethehellismatt.com.
Also, you really really must see his other videos (linked under his name).

Edited on June 23 to add: Thank you to Bee for pointing out my URL typo! Now fixed

Once again, I was off to Germany… home of good friends, heavy food, wacky long sentences, and Lufthansa, the airline whose plane I was unceremoniously squished into not like a sardine, but wurst.

I had the foot-munching-tray aisle to my right, and a stupendously larger-than-life and dumber-than-devil-fossils young fella to my left.  To his left sat an acquaintance of his, seemingly of equal gelatinousness and dimwittedness. For the purposes of this entry, we’ll call them Slad and Elad, respectively if not respectfully.

*  *  *

Slad had no sense.  No sense of etiquette, culture, space, or time.  No sense at all, really.  And he was happy to share this nonsense with me, loudly… cheerfully interrupting the safety instructions which were actually melodious and fascinating in comparison.

Slad:  HEY!
Me: Hi.
Slad:  THEY’RE TALKING GERMAN!
Me: Yeah.
Slad:  WHY ARE THEY TALKING GERMAN?
Me: It’s Lufthansa, a German airline.
Slad:  [A look even blanker than usual]
Me: ...And we’re going to Germany, so there are Germans on board.

Only the first part had sunk in.  And barely at that.

Slad:  LUFTHANGLE?
Me:  Lufthansa.
Slad:  YEAH!?  BUT THEY’RE STILL TALKING GERMAN!
Me:  [speechless]

About 30 minutes into the flight…

They say the meek shall inherit… and I’m hep to the jive!

So, yes, Terry, I did have to go ahead and blog this (it’s one of the damn coolest birthday cards I’ve gotten… thanks!)

[e-card below, via Plaxo’s neato ecard offerings]