In an earlier entry, I noted having a pigeon invade my humble apartment. But that was the mere tip of the feathered mess I recently suffered through.What I neglected to detail at the time was the fact that this pigeon was just one of a three-pigeon family that had taken up residence on my apartment balcony, previously unbeknownst to me or my roommate.

The stubborn (single?) mommy and what appeared to be her equally stubborn children had no intention of giving up their home, despite my increasingly vocal and flailing protestations. When I forcibly shooed them off the balcony, they invariably took up residence in the identical spot a mere hour later, and offered additional "gifts" in disgusting defiance.

What could I do? I mean, something told me that calling the ASPCA would have merely resulted in uproarious guffaws ("Have you tried feeding them bottlecaps? Ha ha ha ha!"), followed by a dialtone.

This wasn't the sort of thing I could confess to my doctor, or even my shrink or Priest (if I had one of either).

---

But soon, I formulated a plan!

I grabbed a glass of water, tip toe'd out onto the balcony and WHOOOOSH! I drenched those pigeons, I did!

My neighbor, who by unfortunate coincidence, happened to be out in front getting the morning paper, found herself the victim of some unnatural rain. I ran back inside quickly. And an hour later, the pigeons -- clearly irritated but with even more steely resolve -- were back.

--

PLAN B

I rummaged in the back of my garage and unveiled a dusty but serviceable Super Soaker 200!

Loading the enormous double-barreled water gun with increasingly gleeful anticipation, I stealthily wandered over to the balcony and -- first checking for potentially retaliatory neighbors -- let loose, Rambo style.

The pigeons were not pleased. And, luckily, they were not stupid, either. They knew they had finally met their match.

One week later, and they have not returned.

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